Turn it off, Eugene

"Bathroom?" the guy said.
I assumed that he actually meant "Pardon me, good sir, but does this library have a public restroom?" so I gave him directions.
"DO YOU HAVE A BATHROOM" he said, kinda loud. I saw the earbuds and heard the music at about the same time. If I was totally committted to customer service to all, even inconsiderate jerks, I could have pointed to the restrooms. But I'm kinda passive aggressive. So I repeated my directions, even softer this time, finally forcing the buds out of his ears. He repeated his question/demand and I repeated my directions. The buds went in, and off he went (sans thank you).
A moment later I heard him closer to the bathroom, hollering "DO YOU HAVE A BATHROOM" at somebody else.

The Noises

There are some people who like to make noises rather than ask for help. I used to fall for it. I hear someone nearby who sighs or grumbles about not being able to find something and my first reaction is to run to their aid. But I have grown weary of this passive call for help and resolutely ignore the noises as much as I have trained myself to ignore all calls that are not verbal (I have gotten whistles--like to a dog--and finger snaps) and specifically directed to me. So save your groans.

How did I answer this question?

When the clueless teen, whom we will call Trevor, pointed to the water cooler that sits a mere 10 feet from my chair and asked, "is that water?" what did I say?

a. No sir, it's hydrogen dioxide.
b. No dumbass, it's vodka.
c. Ummm...yeah....it's water. Help yourself.
d. Said nothing, ran from building screaming

From the Way Too Much Information Dept.

Not only was the guy at the urinal in the Gents talking on his cell phone, he didn't wash his hands.

Caught, Part 712

Yep, it's true. The reason that you didn't win the grand prize in the adult summer reading program even though you read a lot of books and you and your friend deserved to win because your friend is having a real rough time these days and could have really used it? Me. I fucking rigged it. Boss Tweed and his Tammany Hall crooks could have learned a thing or two on stealing an election from me.

Chatty

Harumph! I am offended. I go to extra effort to track down this woman's book, since she called me with slightly inaccurate information. And once I finally find the book, she tells me she doesn't actually want to put it on hold. She thinks her daughter should have it first, and launches into this long story about how her daughter might have a disease which is affected by your diet and that's why she should read this book and the daughter will call me to put a hold on the book later.... and on and on.

After two minutes of this, a patron arrived at the desk and I simply interrupted her. "Okay, well have your daughter call us and we'll put it on hold for her!" I said in my most cheerful voice. "I'll do that," the woman said. And as I opened my mouth to say "goodbye," I heard a click and the call was ended. Well! Don't act huffy with me because I didn't want to listen to your long health story! This is a library, not a doctor's office!

Turns Out

Turns out that if you turn your back on the deskslave while shouting into your cell phone he can no longer hear you. It's as though you turn on some sort of cloaking device like they have in SciFi movies. Only it's with sound.

Gosh, Thanks

Dear Strangely Helpless Man Who is Always in the Library,



Thank you so much for telling me, in detail, about the TV show you watched last night. You see, I don't watch TV myself, so I must rely on kind people like you to keep me abreast of popular culture. A lesser man would have walked away upon seeing me starting to type at the computer and pretty much ignoring you. But you soldiered on, giving me the minute details of Kid Nation and your incisive opions about the show, the kids, the people who dreamed it up and likely audience reactions. Your nuanced view enlivened my day and made it worth living, at least for the moments that I basked in your presence.

I experienced the feeling that the beaver gets when it contemplates gnawing its foot off to escape the trap's jaws.

I can't get no respect

When I tell you that I can't help you and that you need to go to the circulation desk where they CAN help you, don't argue and plead with me. I don't make the rules. When I say I can't help you, I'm dead serious. I really cannot, even if I wanted to. When you continue to plead and argue with me, I'm going to have repeat myself and tell you to go to circulation, because apparently you didn't get it the first time, or the second time, or even the third time.

And when this happens, don't insult me by coming back to the reference desk 20 minutes later and berate me for "talking at you" instead of "talking to you." "I'm not a robot," you say. "You didn't have to keep saying over and over that I have to go to the circulation desk." Well I did have to keep saying it over and over, because you refused to give up after the first three times I told you. And I was trying very hard, by the way, to be polite about it despite your blatant refusal to listen to me. And I still remained polite as you wandered away after chastising me, though you certainly didn't earn it.

Wow, I can't believe you just said that

Cast of Characters
Patron A: Asian man in his sixties
Patron B: Young latino woman
Patron C: Middle-aged caucasian man
Patrons D-I: Random people using the library, some on computers, some browsing nearby collections.
Library Assistant: That's me. I'm a young caucasian woman, which isn't as important to the story as the races of the other characters, but I disclose it in the interest of fairness and political correctness.

Setting
In the library on a Saturday morning. The place is extremely quiet. Patrons A-C are using filtered internet terminals. They do not know each other. Patrons A and B are on terminals facing each other. Patron C is at a terminal against the wall, so his back is to them. Patrons D-I are around, but not involved. Library Assistant is at the Information Desk.

And now...for the theatre!

Act 1, Scene 1
Patron A: (approaching Library Assistant at Information Desk, points across room to Patron B, speaks in agitated tone) She is using her cell phone.
Library Assistant: Yes, actually, cell phone use is allowed here as long as the person talks in a normal voice.
Patron A: She isn't!

Library Assistant: Okay, I'll speak with her.

Act 1, Scene 2
Library Assistant: (approaches Patron B, bends down next to her, points to small sign on computer monitor regarding cell phone rules, and speaks quietly) Excuse me, but your use of the cell phone...
Patron B: (interrupts, argues loudly, and points to her computer screen. Looks at Library Assistant like she's an idiot) BUT I HAVE TO USE MY PHONE TO TALK TO THEM ABOUT MY ACCOUNT!
Library Assistant: (remains calm, emphasizes how to talk slowly and quietly) You may use your cell phone here, but you have to speak quietly, in a normal talking voice.
Patron B: (argumentatively) BUT HOW WILL THEY HEAR ME???
Library Assistant: (remains calm, continues to talk slowly and quietly, but asserts more authority) You are in a library. You must keep your voice down.

Act 1, Scene 3 (And this is where it starts to get weird.)
Patron C: (Turns around from using his computer against the wall, addresses Library Assistant) Thanks for that. (Looks at Patron B) You see, you're in AMERICA, not MEXICO.
Library Assistant (shocked, but responds immediately, out of anger): That is entirely inappropriate and I could KICK YOU OUT for that.
Patron C: (Turns back to his computer): Okay, sure.
Library Assistant returns to her desk; considers kicking both of them out.

[a mere ten seconds pass]

Act 2, Scene 1
Patron B gets up and leaves library, talking louder than ever on her cell phone, in an attempt to aggravate Library Assistant and prove some kind of point.

[three seconds pass]

Act 2, Scene 2
Patron C (gets up, stands in middle of open area at top of stairs, shouts for all to hear) WELL, I GUESS THIS IS THE AGE OF INAPPROPRIATENESS, ISN'T IT?! (stomps down the stairs and out the door).
Library Assistant: (Does not look up to acknowledge Patron C. Would have kicked him out if he hadn't left on his own at that point. Looks around at Patrons D-I and they all act like all is normal. Thinks to self.) Holy crap, did that just happen?

The End