The Secret?

I noticed a dog-eared and tattered copy of The Secret by Rhonda Byrne in the Book Return. I looked up its circ stats and saw that it had made about 25 trips in the last year, putting it right up there with the bestsellers. I really don't care about what people read, but there is something a bit sad about the books that make pretty extravagant promises that couldn't possibly be delivered. Part of me (the mean part that patrons don't usually see) wants to contact all the people who checked this out and ask if they are stinking rich yet, or if attractive people are throwing themselves at them. The rest of me wants to order this book for our collection:

Several things that are not my fault

Dear Sir:

There are many things that are my fault, but they are chiefly in my home or in my children's psyches and are therefore of no concern to you. There are many, many (MANY!) more things that are, most assuredly, not my fault. Among these are:
1. The speed of our Internet service. This is determined by wind speed, bends in the cables*, biorhythms, and new developments in Mood Ring technology, all of which are out of my hands.
2. Hotmail. If Hotmail was my fault, I would have killed myself a long time ago. If I owned Hotmail, I'd be Bill Gates and I wouldn't be here, catching heck from you. I'd be doing whatever it is that Bill Gates does all day, which I don't want to think about not that I think of it.
3. Software. If I could program stuff, I would also not be here. The fact that Internet Explorer cannot open that attachment is a mystery to me, too.
4. Printers, copiers and the like. Honestly. Just because something consumes electricity doesn't mean I know anything about it.

And while we're at it, let me add that just because I sit at a desk near the computers and wear glasses does not mean that I am capable or even interested in doing tech support. Thank you.


* All digital information, as you have no doubt learned by now, consists of ones and zeroes. This can cause problems when this information travels through cables with loops, bends or kinks. The zeroes can usually make it around such obstructions, but the ones can get stuck when their pointy tops hit them. We dedicated Information Professionals here at DeskSlave Central go into the Giant Control Room that has the Internet Speed Selector in it and smooth out all the cables every single day before we open. But we can't do anything about it once it's outside the Control Room. My guess is that there are some bends and twists at the porn site's server. Maybe some kinks, too, if you know what I mean, sir.

Peace & Quiet

We had a double helping of quiet yesterday thanks to beautiful weather and an InterWeb outage. I could spend the time I usually spend riding herd over the adolescents at the computers helping parents do their kids' research/homework for them.

Modern Scholar

I probably wasn't much better. Found at the printer.

Re: Taxes

There used to be two signs at every quick print shop in the country. Maybe they are still there. One said
Cheap. Fast. Good. Pick two.
the other said
Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on ours.

On this year's tax day, I would like to tape that to all the monitors here. Maybe staple it to a few foreheads.

For the record: No tax advice shall come from my mouth. Here are the forms. Here is the extension form for the state and here is the Federal. I don't know how the efiling doohickey works, nor can I help you apply for an extension online. I don't even do my own taxes. We* give all our info to helpful and well-remunerated professionals.

* We is actually my partner who gathers up all our financial information. It is we only in the sense that I benefit from it. I do only slightly more work on our taxes than does our 5-year-old son.

It's not pug

I just helped a patron who is either speech impaired or I'm suddenly hearing impaired. He came up to the desk and I heard, "I would like some books on pugs". I said "Pugs?". "No, hugs." "Hugs?", I said. "NO, HERBS" he yelled "H-E-R-B-S!"

How did we get from pugs to herbs. Speech impaired.

Best Tax Question Yet

A guy wanted tax help. I gave the usual demurral. He persisted. His question was about the "money back thing," by which I think he meant the big stimulus check-o-rama* we're all supposed to get. He wanted to know if there was some form he could fill out to get it. I told him that I am not allowed to give out tax advice, but thought that he had to file his taxes first and then it was an automatic thing. "That's the thing," he said wincing, "I don't, like, you know, pay taxes and stuff." I told him that I wasn't sure he was going to get one.


*If somebody goes to WalMart with their $600 and buys a TV made in China, does it stimulate the economy? In the US, I mean. And if somebody uses their check to pay down their credit card, does that stimulate anything? Just asking. Don't get me wrong, I fully intend to stimulate the economy with mine. Promise.