Monday, January 26, 2009

Tax Time FAQ

Where are the tax forms?
Right behind you.

Right over there.


Should I use this form?
I don't know.

Maybe this one?
Really, I don't know.

Why can't you tell me?
I'm not allowed to give tax advice. I'm not a tax professional. I'm a lowly deskslave.

I'm not asking for tax advice, it's just information.
Look, even if I was allowed to give tax advice, you wouldn't want my advice. I don't even do my own taxes. I'm lucky to find my way to work.

Why don't you have tax forms any more?
We do.

Then where are they?
Right behind you.

Is there somebody who will do my taxes for me?
We have some volunteers who offer help. It's by appointment only. All the slots were filled months ago. I can put you on this very long waiting list, though.

So nobody will do my taxes for me?
Well, actually, you can have the IRS calculate your taxes for you.

Really? How do I do that?
Here, it's this form here, the Schedul D'OH! Just fill in your name and check off the box where it says: "I'm a chicken, please pluck me."

Where's the tax forms at?
Right there.

Which one am I supposed to do?
I don't know.

Why don't you have the incredibly obscure form that I think I need?
I don't know. But I'll print it out for you.

I'm still very upset about having to do my taxes at all. May I berate and abuse you since I am powerless to express my rage directly to the Internal Revenue Service?
By all means.

I almost forgot...could I also hector you?
Feel free.

Malign you?

Call into question your intelligence and integrity?
It would be my pleasure.

Why can't I get a reaction from you?
Because I'm not really listening.

Interesting Conversational Gambit, Mr. Bond

Guy walks up to the Deskslave Holding Pen (AKA Reference Desk).
GUY. Do you work here?

Saturday, January 24, 2009

I thought you'd like to know

The teen over at the computers playing some game set his personal record. That's right, his personal record. And I was here to witness it. And to tell him to keep his voice down.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Editorializing in the Library

A good friend of the deskslave reports that there was a copy of the 1040 EZ on the floor in the Women's Restroom.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I Bet You Didn't Know

that when somebody comes up and says, "the thingy for like the computer," it actually means, "Good sir, I am enrolled in a computer class. Would you kindly direct me to the classroom?" And if you hadn't come here, you would not have learned that.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

FBI Guy, an update

The FBI guy was in again. Today, in addition to the cap, he sported a sweatshirt that had GAP on it. So he must just love Three Letter Acronyms. Such a branded existence!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Overheated Jacket Copy

I'm not a romance reader and find the current interest in vampire stories pretty childish. But I was shelving paperbacks today and saw this copy on the back of a book titled "I Hunger for You" by Susan Sizemore:

Mia Luchese comes from a long line of vampire hunters but has never believed in the supernatural. When she's attacked by vampires, though, Mia must accept her family's dark legacy. What she doesn't know is that sexy S.W.A.T. team leader Colin Foxe, her rescuer and former lover, is also a vampire.

Colin doesn't want to mate with a mere mortal, but his attraction to Mia is blistering. To get to the bottom of the attack on her, he is forced to reveal his real identity -- and Mia hers. But a generations-old battle that should rip them apart cannot break the bond that has their souls hungering for an eternity of ecstasy in each other's arms....

I'm pretty sure it's not based on fact.


Our new comfy chairs? The ones that are less than 6 months old? A homeless patron baptized one yesterday with a bladderful of unholiness.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Just a guess

That guy over there? The one in the dirty jacket reading the car magazine? Yeah him. See his cap? It says "FBI" on it. I'm thinking that maybe he doesn't work for the Bureau. Again, just a guess.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

New Year's Resolutions

1. When somebody asks where the Bestseller's Section is, I will not say, "Right behind you, six feet away, directly below the big sign that says "Bestsellers."

2. When somebody asks where the photocopier is, I will not say, "Eight feet behind me. It's the large device with the big sign over it that says "Copier."

I'm sure there will be more. Oh wait, here we go:

3. If somebody asks where the tax forms are and they have to pass them in order to ask me, I will not commit nor will I contemplate committing any violent acts.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Tax Forms: a play in one scene

Scene opens in a nice little suburban library. A bracing, post-Christmas chill is in the air, the holidays are just over, the ornaments back in their boxes, Christmas trees are headed for their final repose, and for a select few, tax season has begun. It might even be late. In the foreground, we see a reference desk. Behind it is a Deskslave. A middle aged man who does not look entirely comfortable in the library approaches the desk.

MAN. Where's your tax forms at.
DESKSLAVE. We don't have them out yet. We haven't gotten our Federal forms yet. [begins writing on a piece of paper] I'm not sure when we'll get them, but here's our number so you can check back. I bet they will be here in the next few weeks. [hands paper to MAN]
MAN [squinting, ignoring proferred paper]. So, they gonna be out tomorrow?