Joy, huh?

Found by the IntarWebs area.

Well FINALLY

It took them long enough, too. Harlequin has published a book called Cody, by Kimberly Raye. Evidently, this romance combines Vampires and Rodeo bull riding. About damn time, if you ask me.

Choose Your Own Adventure, IntarWebz version

You see a deskslave with a handful of signs that say “IntarWebs Busted” or somesuch. He is slowly making his way down the long bank of Publik IntarWebs Komputars, taping the signs to the screens. He is about halfway down the line. All of the computers behind him have a sign on them. Those before him do not. None of the screens are on.

If you want to walk up to the deskslave and bellow loudly your demand to know exactly when the IntarWebs shall be restored to their glory, turn to page 17.

If you want to walk up to an already-postered computer, sit down, pull off the sign and try your luck with a dead computer, turn to page 24.

If you want to walk up to an as-yet unpostered computer, sit down and get angry that, since there is not a sign on this computer at this very moment, this particular computer should be working just fine, turn to page 39.

If you want to suggest running Norton Utilities, turn to page 50.

Please Tell Me Chiken is the Name of a Band

Please...



(Found in a book in Print Reference. We still have that at deskslave Central. It's not all Google this, Google that you know.)

It's Tax Time Again

Hello friends. Because of the time of year and because I'm lazy, I present to you a rebroadcast of last year's Tax Time FAQ.

Tax Time FAQ

Where are the tax forms?
Right behind you.

Where?
Right over there.

Here?
Yes.

Should I use this form?
I don't know.

Maybe this one?
Really, I don't know.

Why can't you tell me?
I'm not allowed to give tax advice. I'm not a tax professional. I'm a lowly deskslave.

I'm not asking for tax advice, it's just information.
Look, even if I was allowed to give tax advice, you wouldn't want my advice. I don't even do my own taxes. I'm lucky to find my way to work.

Why don't you have tax forms any more?
We do.

Then where are they?
Right behind you.

Is there somebody who will do my taxes for me?
We have some volunteers who offer help. It's by appointment only. All the slots were filled months ago. I can put you on this very long waiting list, though.

So nobody will do my taxes for me?
Well, actually, you can have the IRS calculate your taxes for you.

Really? How do I do that?
Here, it's this form here, the Schedul D'OH! Just fill in your name and check off the box where it says: "I'm a chicken, please pluck me."

Where's the tax forms at?
Right there.

Which one am I supposed to do?
I don't know.

Why don't you have the incredibly obscure form that I think I need?
I don't know. But I'll print it out for you.

I'm still very upset about having to do my taxes at all. May I berate and abuse you since I am powerless to express my rage directly to the Internal Revenue Service?
By all means.

I almost forgot...could I also hector you?
Feel free.

Malign you?
Indeed.

Call into question your intelligence and integrity?
It would be my pleasure.

Why can't I get a reaction from you?
Because I'm not really listening.

And still it's not enough

We offer computer classes THREE times a week. These would be FREE computer classes, offered THREE times a week. For FREE. Yet, I was just informed that we need them every day. Morning and evening. More topics, too. No word on if we should pay people to attend, though.

A Greater Power Than We Can Contradict Hath Thwarted Our Intents. A play in one act

Scene 1. The reference desk at a library in Verona

Patron approaches desk. deskslave looks up.

Patron. I need Romeo and Juliet.
deskslave. (sotto voce) Don’t we all. (aloud) Certainly. Right this way.
(Blackout)

Scene 2. Dusty stacks, in the 800s.

deskslave. Hmmmm…let’s see…here it is! (Retrieves penguin annotated edition from shelves. Begins to pull book.)
Patron. Is that in Spanish?
deskslave. No, English. Do you need Spanish?
Patron. (put out, sighing)Yes. (said sing-songy, multiple syllables)
(Blackout)

Scene 3. Reference desk.

deskslave. (types) Let’s see. (excited) We do have it in Spanish! Right this way!
(Blackout)

Scene 4. Dusty stacks. Spanish language section.

deskslave. (scans shelves) Here it is! (plucks book, hands it over with a flourish) Romeo and Juliet en español!
Patron. (barely glancing at book) I need a DVD.
(Blackout)

Scene 4.

Dusty stacks. 800s.

deskslave. (morale flagging) We have the Zeffirelli version as well as the BBC.
Patron. Which one is the modern one?
deskslave. Zeffirelli was in the late sixties. I think the BBC was in the 80s.
Patron. Which one has Leonardo DiCaprio in it?
deskslave. (bleakly) Neither. Let’s go back to the desk and see if we have that one.
Patron. (sighs theatrically)
deskslave. This day's black fate on more days doth depend: This but begins the woe others must end.
Patron. What?
deskslave. Nothing.
(Blackout)