Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Several things that are not my fault

Dear Sir:

There are many things that are my fault, but they are chiefly in my home or in my children's psyches and are therefore of no concern to you. There are many, many (MANY!) more things that are, most assuredly, not my fault. Among these are:
1. The speed of our Internet service. This is determined by wind speed, bends in the cables*, biorhythms, and new developments in Mood Ring technology, all of which are out of my hands.
2. Hotmail. If Hotmail was my fault, I would have killed myself a long time ago. If I owned Hotmail, I'd be Bill Gates and I wouldn't be here, catching heck from you. I'd be doing whatever it is that Bill Gates does all day, which I don't want to think about not that I think of it.
3. Software. If I could program stuff, I would also not be here. The fact that Internet Explorer cannot open that attachment is a mystery to me, too.
4. Printers, copiers and the like. Honestly. Just because something consumes electricity doesn't mean I know anything about it.

And while we're at it, let me add that just because I sit at a desk near the computers and wear glasses does not mean that I am capable or even interested in doing tech support. Thank you.

* All digital information, as you have no doubt learned by now, consists of ones and zeroes. This can cause problems when this information travels through cables with loops, bends or kinks. The zeroes can usually make it around such obstructions, but the ones can get stuck when their pointy tops hit them. We dedicated Information Professionals here at DeskSlave Central go into the Giant Control Room that has the Internet Speed Selector in it and smooth out all the cables every single day before we open. But we can't do anything about it once it's outside the Control Room. My guess is that there are some bends and twists at the porn site's server. Maybe some kinks, too, if you know what I mean, sir.

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